Sometimes there's just nothing we can do. To a large extent it depends on what they have done through their life to get ready for death. It is true though, that what this person tried to do in pointing out that the dying person had been a gentle caring person is one method which can help. One of the most important things we want to help people with when they're dying is to think good thoughts about themselves. To encourage them to remember that they have done good deeds, encourage them to remember everything good they have done.
Within Buddhism it's taught that at the moment of death, what your thought is right at that exact moment actually contributes to your next birth. Now, whether you believe in rebirth or not, it's helpful to take this as a consideration; that those thoughts at the moment of death contribute to your next birth. And if a person's terrified, angry, sad, mad, whatever, then that'll create a mental state for their next birth, those ingredients will be part of the rebirth. If a person is thinking about how good they've been, if they're happy, if they're more peaceful, that creates the conditions for them to be reborn in a happy, peaceful place.
We can try to do that with people who have never meditated who are dying. We can try to encourage them, always keep them coming back to a good thought about themselves so that they think of their good Kamma, good past actions. If they're sliding over into the fear all the time, we just try the best we can. We have to have Equanimity, knowing that it's beyond our ability. Granted with a lot of friends, even with our family, we can't always be there at the exact moment of death anyhow. But to encourage them in this way can be very helpful.
For us, this is kind of "advance notice"; we have to try to be aware of our thoughts so that we're not terrified at the moment of death. Can we develop our thoughts day by day so that we learn how to reflect wisely? So that we learn how to think of our good past Kamma, so that we learn how to do Sympathetic Joy with ourselves and with others, so that we learn how to let go of jealousy, fear etc? The classic for people who are dying is definitely being terrified, being angry, being upset, "No, I can't die now, I have a party next weekend." There's always this future that everyone's planning for, and it makes them scared of walking through that doorway of death.
Most people are terrified of death because they don't know what it is. Let's use our logical mind, let's tell ourselves, "Well you know everybody has to die whether we like it or not. It's something we all do, OK? If everyone else did it before me, why can't I do it also? Of course you will whether you want to or not." So all these sad ways that people normally die, being terrified, being angry, and all, can we work within ourselves to develop the right thoughts, so that when the moment is coming and the terror arises in our mind, the fear, we can go, "Oh, now wait a minute, I don't have to be afraid, it's just going to be whatever it is"?
Now when you're a spiritual, religious type person, the chances of being terrified are far less. A strong Buddhist, having strong consideration of the probability of rebirth, the probability that good actions will produce good results, if they reflected a lot on their good past Kamma, they feel, "OK, I'm probably going to get a good rebirth."
Now think about it for yourself. Most of you were born into pretty good situations. And you ended up meeting the Dhamma. No matter what your childhood upbringing was, you ended up with the Dhamma. OK, why would you deserve this? Do you think it was random selection? Were we all born equal? If we were all born equal, why isn't my brother sitting next to me as another teacher? You know, why aren't your brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, why isn't everybody in this room? Why aren't we crowded as can be? We're not born equal. We're simply not. You were born with the conditions which, even if they were not really good at your birth, they led you to being here.
Now Koh Samui and Koh Pha-ngan are tourist islands. Our Wat is on Koh Pha-ngan and it's the smaller of the islands. On any given day on our island there are 5-10,000 tourists. On Koh Samui there are another 30-40,000 tourists. So within a time distance of one hour, we've got maybe 40-50,000 tourists. When we have our retreats, we average about 50 people. 50 out of 40,000 have had some really good Kamma in their background to earn them the chance to do this first step. Only 50 out of 40,000. Now, on that particular day, there are maybe 400,000 tourists in Thailand. Fifty out of 400,000 in the country get a chance to do it.
As far as Buddhism is concerned, each one of us deserves what we've got now because of what we did in the past. If you take that on as a probability, then you can consider, "Well, if I did a lot of good stuff in this life, I'm going to get a good rebirth." We could say it is guaranteed. That gives you more happiness, more strength, to come up at the moment of death and say, "OK, let it happen. It's probably going to be good. Why should I be terrified? Why should I be upset?" Now that's how Buddhists could look at it.
If a person is a strong Christian or other religious person with a belief in a deity or God, if they firmly believe that God's will is supreme, then they never argue with that either. They're not going to be terrified either if they're actually strongly religious in their own beliefs as well. So whether you're a Buddhist or whether you're a Christian or whatever, if you strongly believe that there's something else in control, whether it's God or Kamma, then you can go, "OK, I've gotten some good opportunities in this life, I'm doing good things now, and therefore, hopefully, I'll get a good opportunity when I die." That can help your with not being terrified.