First of all, we need patience to open to another person's suffering and not want it to disappear because it makes us feel bad. This is very important.
A lot of people have problems with opening to other people's pain and Dukkha in the world and a feeling of helplessness, they want it to go away. So if they can't make it go away, this feeling of helplessness arises, then they are more focused on themselves rather than just feeling with the other person's pain and allowing it to be. This can go to the extreme. For example, when my father died, some of my mother's friends stopped coming to visit her because these people couldn't be with the pain, didn't know what to say or do so they stopped coming. This was very painful for her, as not only has she lost her husband but she's lost some of her friends as well.
It's important for us to be okay with other people's pain and not try to make ourselves feel comfortable by not allowing it to be. Certainly, losing a loved one will be painful for most people, especially people who haven't reflected about death and grief.
Can we listen without wanting it to go away? Sometimes people just want us to be there without trying to change anything about them. That shows to them that we really care about them and we are not trying to run away from death, run away from their grief, run away from being with another person in their sorrow. I believe a person has to be ready and go through processes before they are willing to go on.
One of the things we can do is talk about the loved one. Sometimes when someone dies, people then stop talking about them somehow thinking that this is going to make it less painful, but that's probably more painful for many because then it's like the loved one never existed. One of the things I used to do with my mother is talk about how wonderful my father was, his good qualities. This makes people feel good because then they think about the good qualities and perhaps wish them well wherever they are.
Buddhism believes that you go on in some way, and most religions do. So, if the person who has experienced loss, has some sort of spiritual practice and believes that their loved one is existing in another realm or in heaven, then you can encourage the person to wish them well wherever their loved one is, encouraging them to do that. But certainly, the biggest one - I believe - is talking about the loved one who has died in a good way so that they have not just "disappeared".
I remember when my niece died, she was only twenty-seven. She died from liver cancer. My brother wanted me to give a bit of an eulogy at the funeral. Due to her being so young and because she went into remission for a little while, there was the hope that she would get better but then she got worse so it was very painful for her family. My niece had a lot of Buddhist beliefs from my influence, and my brother wanted me to give some words at the funeral, even though it was a Christian funeral. The Christian priest was a little bit at a loss to know what to say. Often people are when the dead person is so young.
After he finished his talk, I got up and started to talk about her good qualities and then I led a meditation. I explained how in Buddhism we believe that we can influence and help ease the departed person's transition to the next life by reflecting about their good qualities. So I led a short meditation for about one or two minutes, asking everyone in the chapel to think of her good qualities and wish her well.
Now, my niece used to go scuba diving a lot and swim with dolphins. It happens that this chapel we were in looked out over a river. Just at that time three dolphins leaped out of the water and then swam away. It was quite amazing because everybody was just thinking of her good qualities when this happened. They were quite uplifted by this. Then a whole flock of Rainbow Lorikeets, beautiful colored birds, flew into the trees and then they flew off. So it was almost like a psychic happening at that time. After the service everybody came up to me and said how good it made them feel to think of her in that way. And certainly with the dolphins doing their thing, it was rather nice as well.
I encourage you to listen to anyone who has lost a loved one and not to try to change them. It was about two years after my father's death before I suggested that my mother do a retreat because I believe there is so much to work through in the first two years and she hadn't done any practice before. To listen closely to them, not to try to get them out of their suffering and change them. Talk about the loved one who has died, and listen. Talk about their good qualities. Sometimes talking about the universality of death and that we are all going to die as well is also helpful but you have to be particularly sensitive to what they are going through and not want them to change.