The best time to pull out weeds, when the weeds are not displaying themselves. In a sense, let's say, your partner does something that you don't like, it seems wrong and you want to talk to them about it. They have just done it. You say to them, "Hey, haven't I said enough times, that you shouldn't do that…?" Oh boy, the whole thing blows up. No, when they have just done it, it is absolutely not the best time for us to pull out the weeds. The ground is as dry as it can be, and they will hold on to their weeds, they will hold on to defending that everything they did was right and you are the problem. Because you are not reacting properly.
Yet, when everything is running fine and it has been quite a few days since that weed came, that might be a better time to talk about it. The person is more relaxed, they are not so intent on defending themselves. You still have to be careful, especially if it relates to the bigger weeds. But it helps if they are more relaxed. Now sometimes we don't pull out the weeds with our own hands. We get some help to pull out the weeds. Marriage counseling is an example of that. You are going to get someone else to help straighten things up, help your partner pull out the weeds.
Sometimes we need the help, you have to talk to somebody else, maybe a good friend. Then maybe your friend talks to your partner. And the friend has to be careful, too, as to how they try to pull out the weeds, because if they go up to the partner and say, "Hey, so-and-so doesn't like that, you shouldn't do that…" You know, that won't work either, so to be careful how we approach the person.
If we approach them in a way so that they immediately flare up in defense about what they did, then there is not much work that can be done at that time. If it blows up, can you get out of it quickly, say, "Ok, that's all right, let us forget it for now." And leave it for now. Sometimes what happens is that the other person will then think more later about it. But that can be a little dangerous situation, so be very careful in approaching them, try to have nice soft ground when the person is actually relaxed. Then maybe they can talk more openly and honestly about their problems that they often know they have inside. And since some time has passed, it might be easier for them to talk about it.
I will say one thing, though, if you have a relationship where you can't talk about your difficulties with your partner, then by and large things are not going to work very well. So hopefully you'll develop an openness where you also will take criticism and you also will work on your own weeds, so you can show your partner you are willing, and in that sense you are hoping that they will be willing, also. To have very good communication between each other is a sign of a good relationship.