It's better to understand the steps involved in bringing Forgiveness. You don't have to memorize the meditation. Forgiveness is harder than Compassion, and so it needs the appropriate steps to get to it. If we try to bring Forgiveness before we have gone through these steps of insight into the changing nature of ourselves or others, then it's very difficult to get to Forgiveness. With forgiveness to ourselves, we have to try to remember the person who we used to be. Can we identify with that person and identify the ignorance that caused the person who we used to be to do what that particular person did that we feel we have to forgive? Identify the ignorance and the attachment to the hindrances at that time. Try to feel Compassion for the person, understanding that if they're attached to ignorance and the hindrances, then they have Dukkha and are in need of Compassion. This is the first step: getting to Compassion for the person who we used to be.
To get to Forgiveness, we actually have to see some change between the person who we used to be and the person we are now, between the understanding we used to have and the understanding we have now. Unless we see some change, it will be very difficult for us to forgive that person. We need the feeling that we would not do it again. So part of Forgiveness is understanding that the things that we did were unskillful, and making a determination to try to avoid that suffering for ourselves and others in the future. Part of that is bringing about a sense of Moral Shame for the person we used to be, but we also get insight that we are not that person anymore. We have to see the change, because oftentimes we think we are the same person. If we haven't seen some increase in understanding and in our ability to see that what we did was unskillful, then we'll continue to think that we are still the same person and it will be very difficult to forgive.
If we see that that person and who we are now are different, then it's much easier to forgive that person and not expect that that person who we used to be should have had the understanding that we have now. This is what often prevents Forgiveness; we put the understanding that we have now onto the person who didn't have it and think that that person should have had it. This is idealism. So the steps in Forgiveness are having Compassion for ourselves, seeing the ignorance and the hindrances; then understanding the change that has come about, and not imposing our idea that the person who we used to be should have had that understanding. If, however, you actually still feel defensive about what you did and try to justify it, you haven't made a determination to try to avoid it in the future. In that case, it will be very difficult for you to forgive yourself because you haven't actually regretted it.
Forgiveness for others is a bit more complicated. Usually when we want to forgive ourselves, we actually have regretted what we have done. As far as giving Forgiveness to others, there's a difference between forgiving them internally, and expressing Forgiveness to them verbally. If the person has not regretted what they have done, actually expressing Forgiveness may be unskillful, because it may encourage that person to continue to do whatever unbeneficial things they had done, and may encourage abuse. So when we want to forgive somebody who has not regretted their actions, we can forgive the ignorance of that person internally. If they're still doing the unbeneficial action, we want to continue focusing on the ignorance of the person and forgive them internally so we can let go. However, it would be wise not to encourage them to continue to do these things.
If a person has already shown that they regret the actions, then it's easier to forgive and also to express Forgiveness. It's skillful to forgive if a person has shown regret, and it's not useful to us to continue to hold onto justifications for hanging onto our aversion. As probably all of you already know, it's difficult to humble ourselves and ask Forgiveness of somebody. Many people would prefer not to do this, and prefer the painful feelings of guilt to asking for forgiveness. It's quite difficult for many people to actually express that they are sorry for what they have done. Understanding this in ourselves enables us also to forgive others.
So Forgiveness is more complicated if we're going to have wisdom guiding us in our expressions of forgiveness. Many people have this idea of forgive and forget, but in Theravadin Buddhism, it is different. We have to understand the responsibility that we have for own actions and the responsibility others have for their actions. People have to be accountable for unskillful actions. Otherwise, we can encourage abuse and the continuing of abuse if we don't draw the line with some people.