There are different ways to deal with these types of situations. We don't always have to just accept the situation, just accept that this happens to us, just accept that this is my Kamma therefore I have to deal with it. Sometimes we try to do something about it. We have to make a big change. We have to draw a line.
If we're being abused by our parents or anybody else, we may have to go away from these abusive people; we have to get ourselves out of that situation. So, if possible, that's one active way to change our situation.
Sometimes difficulties arise for us in abusive situations because the abuser will try to tell us that, "It's our fault", and then we start to believe that we deserve to be abused. In these situations we have to try to see that we do have a choice between staying in the situation or going away from the situation. This is so that we don't fall into grief and self-hatred, so that we don't believe these people when they try to tell us things like, "It is our fault", or "That if we were a different way, then they wouldn't abuse us." Because often, this is a technique abusive people use. They try to say that it's something wrong in us that causes them to behave like this. So we have to learn that sometimes we have to draw a line and say, "My actions belong to me; your actions belong to you."
Sometimes people in these situations, may need someone else to help them. Recently I had someone come to an interview with me who was in an abusive situation. Their partner was cheating on them all the time, and they were coming back and telling them, "You've got the problem. Why don't you allow this?" After awhile the person started to believe, "Well, it was my problem. I'm being clingy or whatever." But they had a different level of Morality, and the other person was trying to force their morality on that person by coming back and saying things like, "Well, it has nothing to do with you." But, the person actually did feel it had something to do with them.
After awhile the person developed a lot of self-hatred and just couldn't seem to get out of this situation even though a lot of their friends said, "Okay, you know, this person's not good for you, you need to get out of it." When I was talking to them in the interview about the Four Qualities that need to be matched in order for a relationship to survive: Confidence, Morality, Generosity and Wisdom, the person said, "Can you explain Morality more?" And so I explained Morality more and then they saw that their Morality didn't match; it was different. They also realized that this person's problem had nothing to do with them, it had nothing to do with their lacks. This was a revelation for them and they said to me, "I don't need to be in this situation anymore." So they broke up with the person and they have never looked back. They went away from the situation.
Oftentimes, if we find ourselves in abusive situations, and if we're starting to feel that, "It's all my fault", this is a sign that perhaps you need to go talk to someone about it so that you can get a different perspective, so that you don't just continue to believe what the abusive person is telling you.
You can have compassion for people without having to associate with them. Sometimes, people believe that to be compassionate, it's necessary to have a lot to do with that person; but this is not so. If we are getting abused by that person, it shows a great deal of compassion for ourselves to go away from them. So compassion for ourselves is very important.
If we can have compassion for ourselves, then you may see that going away from the situation is also showing compassion for them. It gives them the message that there is a limit to what they can do and still get good results and that if they continue to do those harmful actions, they will get negative results.
But, if we continue to be with that person and accept and accept and accept, it gives them the message that those harmful actions are okay; they won't lose anything by continuing to do them. This is not actually showing compassion for them; to allow them to continue doing these harmful actions without seeing negative results.
With self-hatred, we first have to step back. If we're not able to step back by ourselves, then try to find a friend so that they can view the situation from the outside, and view it more objectively, so that we can start to get a better understanding of the situation. We don't just have to accept that it as our bad Kamma. It may be that we just need to make more wise choices in our life so that we can have more compassion for the person that we are going to become and also these other people.
When we fall into grief and anger, sometimes we don't accept that bad Kamma comes to us. There is an analogy given in the scriptures of a person being shot with a poisoned arrow in their back. As this person is lying on the ground bleeding to death, someone comes along and says something like, "Let me take the arrow out of your back." And the bleeding person replies, "No. First, I want to know who shot the arrow. I want to know how big they were. I want to know where they came from." And, all the time they're asking these questions their missing their opportunity to be helped, and they will die.
With any Dukkha that comes to us, it's better to just to take the arrow out rather than getting into a lot of speculation about where it came from, and why it had to happen to me. We can deal with the Dukkha that comes to us and our negative Kamma, realizing that it is arising as a result of our past actions, but we also have more compassion for the person that we are going to become by dealing with whatever comes to us in a wiser way now.