By and large when we were young it's, "I will love you if you love me. I will love you if you give me something. I will love you if you satisfy my desires, and the minute you don't satisfy what I want, I won't love you." That's the typical love as we grow up. However, can we be loving in that unselfish way that we talk about here, all the time, being able to give to others without wanting something back? The issue of "Happy Birthday", I mentioned the other day - can you actually wish somebody Happy Birthday and mean it? If they don't say thanks, can you be okay with that?
There are actually people who, if they wish Happy Birthday, they want a thanks. If they don't get a thanks they think, "I will never wish happy birthday to that person again." What on earth were they wishing Happy Birthday for, just so they get some fame, so they get something instead of the person who has the birthday? This is a big issue to look at for yourself. How often do you give things to others but you expect something back? Look closely, it can be very subtle. Ask yourself, can you change that and be able to give and not to expect anything back?
Now, it is true that if others never give anything back and it is all one way, then the relationship will fall apart. You won't want to stay around that person, but that still doesn't mean that you can't give and not want something back. This is a high level of giving, of course. If you can't do it just yet, it is something to aim for. But this type of love is more like, "I'm going to give because I care about that person and their Dukkha."
I don't think I was an exceptionally loving kid or young adult. I don't think I was anything special. I keep looking back there trying to figure out, how on earth did I get to where I am today? Where was that good kind person? I don't know, I was just average. But the meditation practice stirred things up for me and opened doors, that according to Buddhism, were related to my past life, that I didn't know about. I just thought, oh, this is great, this is good stuff. And as I kept practicing and practicing, I realized that my happiness doesn't depend on what people give me or that my happiness doesn't depend on if I am thanked.
Granted, Rosemary and I have been teaching here 20 years now, we get a lot of thanks. All of you have thanked us and you have seen at the end of a retreat, virtually everybody is happy and that is very nice. If nobody thanked us and nobody was happy, it's not going to bother me so much but I will probably stop teaching because I don't see any results coming. I may stop giving if I don't see results coming, but I will still give anyhow if I am asked.
This is a different way of loving other human beings. Being able to give without always wanting something back.
Rosemary and I often liken the way that we teach to running a radio station. It's like we are in this little box and we are just broadcasting Dhamma through a microphone and we may have some music, tapes, etc. We just sit in the room while the music is going and we are reading a magazine or whatever. Then we get back on air and we talk to the audience, sharing Dhamma. Now, I have an audience today, I see, who I am giving to, I can see your responses, your faces. Though, these people in the radio station, who are they giving to? They don't see any faces, they don't usually have an audience. But it doesn't deter them, they just give and they give and they give. Granted they are paid of course, but they give and they give and they have no idea who is receiving. Also it's not up to them, it's not up to the person running a radio station to actually force people to listen. It's not up to them to know even if anyone is even hearing them or not but they continue to give.
That's how Rosemary and I see a lot of what we are doing, we are just giving, giving, giving. Whether you receive it or not is actually based on your Kamma, it's based on your Parami growth. It has very little to do with us, in the sense that we give exactly the same to all of you. How you can receive it, that's difference.
So I'm not going to judge my happiness on how you receive it, I'm going to judge my happiness on the fact that I like giving. It's great, it's wonderful for me to be able to give and know how to give in this way. This way of loving unconditionally has a lot of different aspects here, but the big difference is, as I said at the beginning, normally people love because they want something back. Can we change that, loving others and just giving and not care whether someone reciprocates or not?