First we have to use the guide of the Four Noble Truths, so we have some idea of how we are reacting and what are our views that are causing our conflicts. To see if it is something we can do within ourselves to lessen either our expectations of the other person which often brings conflict, or whether we can change our view of the person from the selfish to the unselfish, which helps to lessen conflict. We need to consider whether we need to apologize if we have done something unskillful which has caused the conflict, or whether we need to have compassion and forgive, if the other person has done something that is unskillful.
It really depends on the particular situation that arises, but if we value our friends and our closed loved ones we need to try to understand the situation from their point of view, what their expectations may be so that we can come perhaps to a compassionate attitude, so that communication is still occurring. Because once communication and trust are lost, then there is much more difficulty in working through the particular conflict.
So what is happening? Is there a need for us to apologize, is there a need for us to forgive in some way? Sometimes people just blame the other person if they have conflict and don't see how they are creating expectations of them or wanting them to be a different way. So if we have expectations, sometimes the conflict can be resolved by letting go of our expectations and changing our view of them, valuing them rather than wanting them to be perfect and act and speak in ways that we would like. Because sometimes we don't even know what we want. Let alone someone who is close to us knowing what we want. We often have a lot of expectations, they should say exactly what we need at this time, when we don't even know what we need at this time ourselves. So learning how to look at ourselves and our own expectations helps letting go of our conflict, we may see we are putting excessive demands on the other person to give us something, give us compassion when it would be helpful for us to learn how to give compassion to ourselves and not be so needy in this way.
If we have had a misunderstanding in some way, don't let it go too long before you try to understand the situation on your own and see whether there is really any blame necessary to be put in this particular misunderstanding. It may just be seeing something from different viewpoints.
The particular analogy the Buddha uses in the scriptures is the elephant and eleven blind people. They go up to the elephant and each of them feels a different part of the elephant, then each blind person believes they know everything about the elephant. Then the eleven blind people get together and have a discussion about the elephant. One blind person says an elephant is long and thin, the other person says, no, it is round and fat and wet at the end. And another person says, no, it is not, it is great, big round and fat and wrinkly. Then everybody gets into an argument about what an elephant is, when actually they only understand a part of it.
So sometimes people view things from different perspectives, it doesn't always mean the other person is wrong and we are right, it may be just that we are seeing it from a different perspective. We need to respect that other people are seeing things from a different perspective to ourselves and perhaps we need to listen to their perspective. We may not agree to it, but everybody has a right to their own opinion, if it doesn't harm others. If it does harm ourselves or somebody else, we may say, well, you may feel that, but I can't agree with your actions because it brings harm, etc. And then it is up to them really, to see whether they can apologize and regret their action. We do this because we don't want to encourage them to continue to harm others. So sometimes we may have to use a firmer face of compassion if we see we are in a situation where we can protect someone from their actions, if they are not able to see that their actions are unskillful, then we may have to just say what we need to say and then it is up to them to accept us and continue the relationship or not, if that is the case. Sometimes this can break down a relationship, but if there is abuse going on then it may be that this is necessary in this particular situation.
Often it may mean looking in ourselves to see if we have expectations we have put on the other, if we are asking too much of them or wanting them to be as we would like, rather than being able to accept them as they are. If we have grass, we have to accept that there is going to be weeds. And just not focus on the weeds so much, focus on the fact that there is grass and that they have good qualities as well, so we don't criticize them so much, but just value that they are there and enrich our life in some way. Valuing them -- sometimes reflection on what it may be like if they weren't in our life may help us to let go of some of our expectations, that they may die tomorrow and how we would feel about that and how our life would be without that friend or loved one.
Then we can let go of some of our resistance to perhaps even admitting that we have done something wrong and let go of the resistance to apologizing if it is necessary. Wise reflection into how it came to be and how we can fix it, apologizing and magic words like "I am sorry" can often do wonders. It is very difficult for some people to do this. Also if the conflict is over a small matter, don't expect people to apologize. And don't sweat it, leave the times to make a stand for the big things. Try to be more forgiving for others imperfections, that is helpful, because you never know when you are going to have to make a stand and use your strength at that time based on a principal.
If you are being very easy going up until that time, then that person may see that you really do feel strongly about this one and perhaps they will listen to you. But if you are always making a big deal about small things, they may just get tired of you being such a perfectionist or whatever so they may not listen when it is really important to listen. So try to be more forgiving of other people's imperfections and lack of perfect speech, perfect actions because I don't know anybody who is perfect in this world. If you happen to meet someone like this, please tell me, I'd like to go and learn from them.